Recently there was an article on strollertraffic.com (which I love, and every parent should subscribe!) that talked abut the 10 innocent ways parents negatively affect kids' behavior. After reading through the article, I think there are some valid points, but while every point has some validity, I believe that some of those actions are not as awful as this list makes it out to be.1. Clapping every time your baby achieves some small goal -- Praise the process, not the outcome. Raising a child to be aware only of the value of a successful outcome is likely to extinguish natural achievement motivation and a joy of learning. I agree with this to a certain extent, but, especially in the beginning, praising for any step accomplished help encourage young children to keep trying. Also praising when a small goal is achieved gives small children the necessary confidence to keep working on the skill, whether its trying to get a puzzle piece in the right spot or even building and knocking down blocks. I think that parenting through praise is a whole lot more effective and gives our kids self esteem and teaches them that any accomplishment matters.
2. Overusing "No!" to correct a baby's behavior -- We all tend to overuse the word "no," causing it to lose its value. "No" should be reserved for dangerous situations, so that your child knows you really mean it. Instead, start telling your child what you would like her to do, instead of what you don't. That's how learning takes place. HAHAHA...sorry I have to laugh at this. Your average toddler cannot full understand everything you are saying. You can explain things in their terms but you don't always have the time to say "do not throw your food, because food belongs on your plate or your tummy." Seriously! We have found that we use different versions and tones of "NO's" has helped. Many times we say "no, no, no" in a nice high tone, but when a strict "NO" is needed we use it in its single form very sternly. James knows the difference. We do explain things, but books and songs also do a great job of teaching our children in a fun and effective way.
3. Entertaining competitive parenting thoughts -- It happens to the best of us. You go on a play date with your 20-month-old and notice that his playmate knows his color! On the way home, you buy every flashcard, cue card, color card you can find and begin a crash course in colors with your toddler. Nothing like flashcards or a stressed out parent to take away the joy of learning from a child. Kids learn best through play and real-world learning. Don't let your parenting anxieties get the best of you. I agree with this 100% -- there is no need for competition. James is way ahead in somethings and behind in others, it all evens out and if you start out competing at this age you will only become more obsessed later in life and you will end up being that mom or dad that is banned from little league or soccer.
4. Talking so much that babies can't focus on words -- We know that face-to-face interaction, speaking, reading, and labeling nurture our children's language development. But that doesn't mean that we have to narrate entire days. When it comes to language, remember the rule, "word in, first word out." Children have to be able to hear the word, see how your lips move to form the word, and connect the word to the item. This is very similar to point #9. I agree that we don't have to talk to our children all day long and its good for them to have quiet time -- they will often try to seek this too. I do think it is important to read and sing to your child -- make it interactive, especially when singing and they will be able to start to understand the meanings of words. Show them in books what that cow is...don't just read the words, but use it as a tool to teach language.
5. Using products to speed up gross motor development -- Some people swear by walkers or jumpers to speed up gross motor development. But in actuality, they don't turn crawlers into walkers any faster than nature does. In fact, they build muscles not critical for walking, and can even be dangerous (if they tip over or topple down stairs). I agree with most of this statement, and I think many toy / baby gear companies do too, as it is near impossible to find a walker, like many of us parents used when we were babies, now a days. Let your child explore, and cruise. When we felt James was ready we introduced the new type of walker -- a toy that lets the child hold on and walk forward. This allows them to use and develop all the walking muscles necessary and not just develop the leg muscles while sitting, which does not develop the necessary core muscles to fully walk.
6. Using punishment to change bad behavior -- Even though you may feel like punishment works, it usually only curbs the behavior temporarily. As your child adapts to your punishment, unwanted behaviors tend to return faster. The best way to get your child to do what you want is to reward desired behaviors with praise and positive attention, while ignoring minor misbehavior. Always remember that attention promotes behaviors. I agree with only one part of this -- to praise good actions. We have been struggling lately with James' behavior, i.e. biting and hitting. He is doing this because he is frustrated and does not have the language necessary to communicate his feelings. That said, we can't just ignore it when he hurts someone...he has to learn that it is wrong. We have taken the following steps, saying NO, and placing him in a chair away from all of the action, and then giving attention and hugs to the person he has hurt. This way he can see that he does not get attention from his bad behaviors, and learns that it will not get him what he wants. We are also really encouraging him to use his words, such as help, no and stop. We praise him profusely for using those words, especially when he is frustrated and we have seen marketed improvement. Now, when he bites, he immediately knows he has done something wrong. I know that we will be keeping this parenting style for many years to come. That said, we also do not over punish our child, we let him know when a behavior isn't correct but we really don't dwell on it. Praising for positive actions really does work as well as teaching positive actions such as how to be gentle, etc.
7. Not considering your baby's unqiue temperament -- Some babies immediately love to swing. Others may find swinging scary at first. If you force your child into a situation you assume should be fun or educational, without taking her temperament into consideration, you'll end up exacerbating her fears and causing what eventually could be pleasurable to remain aversive. This is so true...its so funny how one kid loves to swing, and another loves to bounce. James has always hated to swing but we do try it at the park and give him lots of encouragement -- still to this day he hates it, so we really don't try to push it. He will come around when he is ready. It is truly funny how even as small infants they are able to show you their temperament and likes and dislikes.
8. Finishing tasks for your child. It can be frustrating to watch your child try to fit a piece in to a puzzle or construct a tower out of blocks, to no avail. But if you demonstrate the correct way to do it, or do the task entirely, your child won't learn to master frustration tolerance or be motivated to stick with a task in the future. I somewhat agree with this...frustration sometimes gets in the way of finishing tasks so its our job as parents to calm them down and show them how to work through the frustration. As James was learning to put puzzles together or put shapes in a whole, he often didn't get the idea that you had to change the position of your hand to get the shape to fit in the whole. We would take the hand and show him how to move it so the block fit, then he would drop it in. Then the next time, you could see him trying to use that motor skill -- it was a task that we tried to do together but with him doing the brunt of the work. We have really found that this really helps limit the frustration level and has made him more curious and more accepting of doing things on his own.
9.Believing background noise is stimulating or beneficial -- Even mild background noise at home (television, radio, children playing) can impair a baby's ability to pick up language. Babies need to see the face of the person talking, and are easily distracted when the background noise is at the same sounds level as the person speaking. I agree with this all though we do play a lot of music and a lot of it has taught James body parts, sounds and even help in his motor skills. We love to sign the "itsy bitsy spider", "The Wheels on the Bus", "Head Shoulder's Knees and Toes", etc. We do try to keep the TV off, except in the morning. James loves Barney, Yo Gabba Gabba, and the Wiggles -- interesting all music oriented shows, and so we do let him have TV time, just to not much and not before bed.
10. Giving attention to limit testing and minor misbehaviors -- What we see as big manipulative is often just our children's tendency toward misbehavior that we may have accidently reinforced (by giving attention). Instead, the trick is to focus on what you want your child to do, rather than to waste all of all of your energy and angst on what you want your child to sotp doinjg. Start catching your child being good, and pay attention to that! This is truly the same thing said in #6 -- just re-worded differently.
In the end, I believe as parents there are so many ways we can do things "wrong" but there are many more ways we can do things "right". I believe instead of reading these article that are so "how you are harming your child" focused that we should be concentrating on how to best influence and teach our children. If they learn positive attitude now, it will stay with them for life. We are such a negative society in so many ways and it is very interesting being a first time mother and finding that so many of the guides are in fact "what not to do". How about we start looking at whats working and why and start field guides that are titled " 10 ways their parents positively influence their children." You could have the exact same article above as the author described how to change the negative attitude.
Finally, I also think that each child has their strengths and weaknesses and each child will need to be parented differently. I look at myself and my siblings. It is so funny how we can share the same exact experience and come out with completely different views, feelings and stories. No one child is going to fit into all the molds parenting books and articles set forth. Get to know each of your children and decide what type of parenting style works best for bringing out the wonderful person that they are.
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