The Balancing Act

So I do read some blogs – Boston Mamas today had an article that really made me think. It was regarding striking a balance between being a mom and going to work.

This article really made me think about a little on-going argument that Matt and I had last night. I feel out of control most days and nights, I feel like our house is always a mess – believe it or not it, it drives me up a wall – and I feel like I never have any time to clean, organize, and play with my child. And, to come home at night and see dishes from breakfast in the sink and not in the dishwasher it makes me want to explode! Needless to say, I need to learn to let go and just move forward. Which is just one of the topics Boston Mamas made me think about, and so I have gone through her points below.

Do a few things well. Instead of driving yourself crazy trying to do everything (and potentially letting quality suffer across the board), focus on doing a few things well. I agree, and sometimes it’s hard to not feel like you have to do everything well! Prove that you can do it all! This is truly one of the biggest things I struggle with every day.

Focus on the present. It can be challenging to not feel work and household minutia looming over you at all times. But when you are home with your kids, be present. Of course you want to be present – but sometimes you need to do a load of laundry or clean-up the kitchen or even make a meal. So, I have made some of these chores activities James and I do together. James loves putting the laundry in the washing machine, so I hand it to him and he puts it in. Then he loves watching the wash go around and around. When I cook, we have a step stool and I let him watch and even help stir on occasions. This has made chore time a little bit more manageable and allows James and me to spend some quality time.

Make realistic goals. Don't set expectations so high that they are hard to achieve and set you up for frustration. Set small, realistic goals. I completely agree with this, otherwise, you will always feel like you haven’t accomplished anything. Some days, my goals are as simple as make time to take a shower! LOL! Other days, I have a check list the size of the equator. Our dry-erase board sometimes becomes a list of to dos instead of a weekly calendar, but it does feel great when you are able to finally cross something off – for example tomorrow I am finally getting my glasses! I have been waiting for over a year now to have glasses with the right prescription!!

Speaking of goals: So today went to the gym and ran 4 miles in 38 minutes – not to bad.

Meals

Breakfast: Chobani yogurt

Lunch: Chx noodle soup, light WW English muffin, orange

Snack: 94% fat free

Dinner: Trader Joe’s pizza and a veggie

WW online is going really well – I have been sticking to my points and finding that I am seeing results already – yeah for the first week…let’s hope this weekend goes well!

Don't make comparisons. Instead of comparing yourself to others, focus on yourself and whatever it is you are creating. This has actually never really been a problem of mine, the one thing I am secure in is being a good mom – I feel blessed for my child and his accolades…I think that at each age each kid will be doing different things and there is no need to compare yourself as it will only make you feel more insecure!

Play by your own rules. It's very easy to get swept up in the frantic pace of work but shift your perspective so that you aren’t living in fear of missing out on opportunities is very powerful. Be willing to lose so you can play by your own rules. ENOUGH SAID

Opportunity can be dangerous. There's a tendency to jump and say yes in the face of opportunity, even if it's not necessarily the right fit. Analyze each opportunity and decide whether it's something you really want to do vs. something you feel you should do. Remember that there will always be another opportunity; follow your instincts and remember that all opportunities are not necessarily good opportunities. I agree with this…the one thing I do wish I did was a new mom group. I felt that because I was going to be a working mother I didn’t need to waste my time or money to join the one in my town (yes, you had to pay), because I wouldn’t be able to continue attending the group after I went back to work. I didn’t realize was that these women may have been a great support system – and we could have even gotten together outside of the work week. That said, there are so many things that you feel compelled to do in order to “keep up with the Jones’s” and no matter what you do you never will be able too – it goes back to stop comparing. Sometimes you miss opportunities and sometimes you take an opportunity that doesn’t meet your expectations.

Change your response. There's a tendency to say yes to everything (sometimes before even knowing what it is) due to worry that people otherwise won’t like you. Change your response strategy from “Yes” to "Can I get back to you?" This response allows you the space to evaluate the opportunity. Or, you can be like me and lately I just say “No, I have a kid!” LOL! I think that I have to work on saying “Yes” more. Saying yes to having me time, saying its okay for Matt or someone else to take care of my child, saying its okay to want to have a day off.

Ask for help. Asking for help is not a weakness. Remember that asking for help does not reflect that you are incapable of doing something; you’re simply opting not to do something in the moment. I agree – even though I am a total control freak I must say the one thing I think I am good at is asking for help. I love talking to other mom’s and trying to figure out how to get through different stages. I think this is really important. Some of the best ideas I have gotten was from other moms, and my own mom. Books by doctors are great tools – but moms are even better. I even rely on my fellow working moms for ideas on how to balance, and deal with the day to day reality of being a working mom. I think you are more of a secure mom to ask for help than to bite your tongue…your child and you, yourself will be happier for it – we don’t all have the answers!!

Let go. For the control freaks out there, there's a tendency to shoulder all burdens, but it's important to let go and remember that there is more than one way to do things. I think this is my hardest “idea” I struggle with. I believe as a working mom we feel like we do not have control over much in our lives and our children’s lives; therefore, its very hard for us not to control what little we feel like we can. I was told by a co-worker that the hardest thing in motherhood is to let-go and allow things to be done – even if it isn’t the way you would like it to be done! Let’s just say, after a year and a half in mommyhood – I still really haven’t been able to fully embrace this concept – it’s a work in progress. Maybe if I could stop the inner control freak I would be able to find more time for myself!

One thing that wasn’t on Boston Mamas’ list was finding time for yourself. I might sound selfish, but as I found over the last year, and especially the winter when I have been able to go for a morning run because its still pitch black – that you forget to make time for yourself. Its hard, a constant struggle, but even taking an hour a day makes you a better mom, wife, person and friend. Remember that everyone needs some “down” time, whether its going to the gym, getting a cup of coffee, or even something as small as taking a shower – have time to be with yourself will bring you keep you SANE.

The last thing I think that Boston Mamas forgot was, if you do have a partner in this experience, take time to enjoy each other. When both partners are working, and parenting it tends to feel as if you are working together just to survive. You forget what brought you to that point in the first place. Matt and I can’t always afford to get a babysitter & dinner – we have found that it’s nice to plan a great dinner – cook together and put on a great movie. We have date night inside. I feel that it so important to be great as a husband and wife in order to be great as mom and dad – and thanks to my parents for teaching me this (even though when I was a kid, I didn’t always understand!).